Does everybody lie?|
Ask them. Half of them admit it
and the other half lie.
But does everybody lie to everybody?
do you lie to everyone else?
Seven billion resounding no's
But who was that old guy said yes?
It's good to know
that somewhere on this big dirt
there's at least one person
honest enough to admit he's a liar.
Let's give him some money.
|Everyone asks how we made bugs.
They wonder, where did we get
the hair for buglegs?
It's grass, that's all, just grass,
wireglass legs. Broadleaf we saved
to fold into grasshoppers,
and sunblackened broadleaf
we curled into beetlebacks.
Fern stems to make the mantis,
ivy stalk walking sticks,
then came the burr theory of bees,
the seedpod birds and milkweed fish,
and the spiders--black cherries
garnished with moss--and the flies.
We got better and better;
finally tried to make people.
Tried everything: toadstools,
coconuts, punk, cauliflower,
abalone, buckeyes, and gourds.
All we can say is, we're sorry
|Excerpted from Chicken Little Portfolio Theory (filed under "The Skeptical Investor")|
You need access to insiders, but not the kind of insiders who make insider trades. Before this is over, those fools could be burning their stock certificates to keep warm. And never mind the insides of the Wall Street Journal and Barron's and Business Week. That's the public trough.
What you want are private advisers who know what's really going on. People who can give you Ten Shocking Predictions for 2007, Six Powerful Keys to Financial Survival, and Hidden Danger Signs All the Economists Have Overlooked Except Me.
Where can you find such advisers? Never mind; they'll find you. If you've ever bought a share of stock, they've been trading your name with each other and they're in the mail.
Hulbert's Financial Digest tracks 180 more or less mainstream investment newsletters, but if you search the web for "hard-money investment advisors," Google reports 146,000 results. There must be some misunderstanding; but then, that's what makes a market.
Cardinal's up in the crabapple tree, calling his wife. Makes a sharp chipping sound, easy to locate. I holler, "She runned off with a bluejay!" Birds are ignorant. If you don't talk ignorant, they don't understand what you're saying. He keeps chipping. He knows she wouldn't see anything in a big bruiser like a jay except a big bruise. Another cardinal, maybe. Officially, cardinals mate for life, and so do we. Finally she shows up and has a lot of explaining to do, during which they both fidget. He's been saving some food for her. Once he's satisfied with the explanation, he regurgitates in her mouth. Now we're all three happy, for three different, species-specific, gender-specific reasons. Next time I talk to the cardinal, I'll imitate his call and wonder if he's going to imitate mine, like the minah bird who looked soberly at the customer in a pet shop and said, "I can talk. Can you fly?"
Asked the Novice, who kept feeling drearier,
"Will I be like you, Mother---cheerier?"
"Why, no, Sister dear,
you're a charwoman here
Whereas I am the Mother Superior"
A hermit and nun in Quebec
while at Vespers decided to neck.
The lips she revealed
were hermetically sealed;
they died smiling and both went to heck
Indiscreetly, young Sister Jerome
for relief from her vows went to Rome.
"The next time you hope
for a boon," said the Pope,
"will you please leave the children at home?"
The hermit atoned: rubbed his nose on
the sandstone he slept and arose on.
"In dreams, I can see
all the angels," said he,
"and none of them has any clothes on!"
An East Asian nun, during Tet,
took a young hermit crab as a pet.
She taught him to say
the rosary one day...
There were beads from Sikkim to Tibet
"Good Sister, you grow roly poly,"
said the hermit. "One's body is holy!
Through prayer and fasting,
gain life everlasting.
Pray faster, and don't fast so slowly."
"If Instead of Apes
We Had Come from Grapes"
is a book of light verse
written and illustrated
by Alan Van Dine